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Some insights from `Brokeback Mountain'
By Rev. Dr. Tony Larsen Don't worry - this is not a movie review. (I wouldn't know the first thing about critiquing a movie that I found so emotionally draining.) But if there was any lesson for society in this "gay-cowboy love story," it was this: People who discover that they are gay (and yes, homosexuality is something that's discovered, not chosen), they should not try to pretend it away by getting married to someone of the opposite sex.
As "Brokeback Mountain" reveals, doing this disrupts the lives of all too many people: the gay people themselves, their unlucky spouses who didn't realize what they were getting into when they said "I do," and the children who must live through the breakup of their family.
As a Unitarian Universalist minister, I have often seen this in my counseling work. Because my denomination is accepting of gays and lesbians, I sometimes get calls from gay people from other religions - people who were told by their church or family that they could "overcome" their homosexuality by getting married or by praying it away. When I hear their stories, my heart goes out to them for the pain they've been through. But it also goes out to the spouses and children whose lives have been disrupted or even shattered by what has occurred.
I realize, of course, that some people don't discover they are gay until after they are married; and that, in any case, families can break up for many reasons other than sexual orientation. I also realize that many divorcing parents (gay OR straight) make the best of a difficult situation, and they and their children take something positive from their family's breakup. But I think most of us would agree that an intact and nurturing family is the ideal we want to strive for. (Certainly, when two people come to me for pre-marital counseling and wedding preparation, they do not do so with the idea that their union will be temporary. They understand that a marriage can fail, of course, but they don't go into it with that intention. They hold up the ideal of "as long as we both shall live.") If we can agree that intact marriages and families are an ideal worth striving for (even it not always possible in the real world), then I hope we can agree that it would be better for all concerned if people who discover they are gay are not pushed into a heterosexual union that is unlikely to last.
Unfortunately, some well-meaning clergy and family members believe homosexuality is a choice, or at least a condition that can be overcome. (The vast majority of psychiatrists and psychologists disagree with that assumption, of course.) These well-meaning folks point to "former" gay people who have successfully adopted a heterosexual lifestyle. But if you examine the evidence, you will see that some of these "former" gay people are actually bisexuals - i.e., people who can fairly easily have a romantic relationship with either gender. Some others are people who only temporarily adapt to a heterosexual lifestyle and find they cannot keep it up in the long run. (These are the people I most often meet in my counseling experiences.) There are, I suppose, some folks who "successfully" fight their natural gay orientation and live in a conventional marriage - and, though I would hardly call that an ideal relationship, I respect people's right to try that if that's what they truly want, and if their spouse-to-be is fully informed. (And, of course, there's always the option of remaining single.) But I think it is unfair to all concerned, to lead people to think they can just change their sexual orientation by wanting or believing they can.
And please, if you know people who are gay, do not encourage them to deny who they are or to try to change their nature. I've seen too many unfortunate results from such misguided efforts, and I think all of society would be better off without the turmoil that so often flows from this.
If we care about healthy relationships and lifelong marriages (and I, for one, do), let us encourage people to be true to their nature and to enter only relationships that have a reasonable chance of success.
The Rev. Tony Larsen is pastor at Olympia Brown Unitarian Universalist Church.
Parson to Person is written by community religious leaders and coordinated by the Racine Clergy Association.
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