By LEE B. ROBERTS
Journal Times | Posted: Friday, November 28, 2008 12:00 am
When her father had to have emergency surgery a year and a half ago, Patti Sackett left her job and home in Rhinelander and returned to Racine to stay with her parents in the house she grew up in.
At the time, Sackett and her family thought it would be a temporary arrangement but, as the weeks went by, she and her two sisters realized that her parents needed a more permanent caregiver in their home.
Serious complications with his surgery kept Sackett's father, Bill Proeber, in the hospital for a long time and once he returned home, he needed help with recovery.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Sackett soon realized that her mother, Helen Proeber, should no longer be left home alone. Sackett decided to stay on as family caregiver for her parents, who are both in their 80s. She couldn't do so, though, without the help of her sisters, Becki Otwaska and Sandi Struebing, and other family members here in town, she said.
Both Otwaska and Struebing play important roles, not only in helping to care for their parents, but in supporting Sackett who, like all family caregivers, needs assistance in doing what can be both an overwhelming and rewarding job.
In addition to staying with their parents one weekend a month so that Sackett can return to Rhinelander to be with her family and friends there, her sisters give support in a variety of ways, from daily visits and shared meal times to lending a listening ear with frequent phone calls. And, once a week, they take part in a ballroom dance class with their sister.
"It's a good way for all of us to take out our frustrations," Otwaska said.
The family support also extends beyond Sackett's siblings to her children, her nieces and nephews and her brothers-in-law. Sackett's and Otwaska's daughters, for example, help with tasks such as mowing their grandparents' lawn, providing transportation and giving haircuts.
"They have really stepped in and helped out," said Struebing. "They are very close to their grandparents."
The men in the family have pitched in with jobs such as building a ramp to make the Proebers' house handicapped-accessible; working on the backyard shed and putting up storm windows, Sackett said.
"It is really a team approach," she said.
And the members of the team work well together, the sisters said.
"It is so easy to give to (our parents), because they have always given so much to us," said Otwaska.
"They were real role models for us," said Sackett. "They both did a lot of volunteer work throughout their lives."
The whole village
Just as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to help care for the elderly in their time of need, said Fay Brooks of Mount Pleasant. Brooks, whose 93-yearold mother is in hospice care in her Illinois home, said that her main job in helping care for her mother is to support her older brother, who is the primary family caregiver.
Earlier this week, for example, she planned to cook food for the Thanksgiving holiday and take it down to share with her brother, who stays in their mother's home on weekends and holidays. When she can't visit, she talks to her brother on the phone and both of them get a lot of support from other family members and friends, she said.
A cousin who lives about 7 miles from her mother, for instance, visits "his favorite aunt" frequently and communicates with Brooks and her brother about his aunt's needs. He also sends Brooks humorous e-mails, which help to keep her spirits up, she said.
"I also have a cousin in Canada who is like a sister to me who sends me and my brother notes and e-mails," Brooks said. "She also sends my mother notes and flowers. She's been through this with her own mother and knows what it is like."
That cousin also reminds both Brooks and her brother about the importance of taking care of themselves, and finding time to enjoy life while acting as caregivers, she said.
"She gives sisterly advice without being obnoxious," Brooks said.
Friends of Brooks' mother who live nearby also play an important role by visiting her mother, and Brooks' youngest son has recently returned home to give his mother, and his grandmother, support. Brooks said she also appreciates the e-mails that some of her longtime friends have sent to her mother through her.
"I print them out and read them to her," she said. "The notes serve as support for us, as well as her, because they tell me that those people care about me and what my family is going through."
Having such a wide range of support is very helpful to the entire family, Brooks said.
"Everyone is doing what they can within their own abilities and framework," she said. "And we don't let our egos get in the way."
Larger community
Support for family caregivers can also be found through community organizations, such as the Racine County Aging and Disability Resource Center (see box on Page 1D), as well as within some area churches. At Atonement Lutheran Church, for example, the parish nurse has organized a program called ACT (Atonement Care Team), through which members of the congregation can be trained as caregivers and lend support in a variety of situations within the church community.
Started five years ago by Joannie Williams, Atonement's parish nurse, the ACT trains volunteers in basic care giving tasks, ranging from how to transfer a person safely to delivering nutritious meals to shut-ins or running errands. Williams, who is also a live-in caregiver for her own 96-year-old parents and a former hospice nurse, is a strong advocate for allowing people to remain in their own homes as long as possible. Her goal is to connect families with the many resources available here in southeastern Wisconsin to enable them to keep their loved ones at home. And offering support to family caregivers, whose time and energies are often stretched thin, is an important part of that equation, she said.
"Respite is so important for caregivers," she said.
With so many families dispersed around the country, caregivers often need to reach out beyond their own relatives to get such support, Williams said.
"These people need us to help them, even if it is just to act as a liaison between the person being cared for and family members who are out of town."
Don't be afraid to ask for help, both in and outside your family, Williams said. Everyone, no matter what their age or abilities, has gifts to give and many people want to be able to give back to those around them, she said.
"It actually gives some people joy to be able to help."
10 ways to help support family caregivers
1. Offer a few hours of respite time to a family caregiver so that they may spend time with friends, or simply relax.
2. Send a card of appreciation or a bouquet of flowers to brighten a family caregiver's day.
3. Offer to help with home repairs, yard work or indoor house cleaning; or encourage a local business to donate its services.
4. Help a family caregiver decorate his/her home for the holidays or offer to address envelopes for holiday cards.
5. Offer comic relief. Purchase tickets to a local comedy club, give a family caregiver your favorite funny movie to view, or provide them with a book on tape.
6. Find 12 different family photos and have a copy center create a 2009 calendar that the family caregiver can use to keep track of appointments and events.
7. Offer to prepare Thanksgiving dinner for a care-giving family in your community, so that they can just relax and enjoy the holiday.
8. Take a few minutes to write a letter encouraging your mayor, county executive or governor to issue a local proclamation establishing November as National Family Caregivers Month. Contact information for government officials can be found at http://www.firstgov.gov
9. Become a part of the National Family Caregivers Story Project. Encourage the family caregivers you know to share their stories at http://www.thefamilycaregiver.org
10. Join the National Family Caregivers Association to show your support. For more information call NFCA at (800) 896-3650 or visit http://www.thefamilycaregiver.org
Source: National Family Caregivers Association
Local support for caregivers
A variety of support services are available to family caregivers through the Senior Services department of the Racine County Aging & Disability Resource Center. Services include classes, support groups, written materials, and individual consultations covering a wide range of topics from information on community resources to moral support through tough situations and decision making. These services are available to family caregivers whose lives are impacted by meeting the needs of a family member or friend in situations where either the caregiver or the care receiver is older than 60. In addition, anyone older than 55 who is caring for a relative younger than 18 years of age can obtain information and support from Senior Services' Caregiver Support Program. For more information and/or to get on a newsletter mailing list, contact Marilyn Joyce, caregiver support specialist, at (262) 638-6678 or by e-mail at: marilyn.joyce@goracine.org